Regret

Going through some old relics of mine (books, photos, scraps, tapes, etc) it is an occasion for deep regret. It is not the (apparently) more common reaction of 'nostalgia' so I decided to write about it.

In almost every case, the regret is of some personal flaw that resulted in a "failure". These failures range from large to small, to personal to impersonal. It may be a failure to complete a project, or to master a subject, or to retain a friend.

In many cases this regret is accompanied by shame and embarrasment; the realization that I have left so many disappointed people in my wake is almost paralyzing in its dreadfulness. They know me for the sham that I am, and my very name is cursed by so many mouths. The depth of my concern about what other people think about me shocks me.

Going through these artifacts, I can see a cycle that has occured several times. Mine is a life punctuated with the deep discontinuities of shame-faced retreat and then bright-eyed resurgence. The evidence of the previous cycle is hidden in boxes, but not thrown away. My life has been like the Motie civilization.

This cycle is the cause of great misery, and it must end. Since I'm far too happy when NOT going through old junk, let's think about solutions.

The simplest would be not to go through old junk anymore. But I really would like to have more continuity in the life; I talk to people my age who've had the same friends since kindergarden, and my mind boggles. I don't talk to anyone from college!

The key is to always act out of love. Even if I feel bad, assume the best of others, and act accordingly. Fight negative assumptions. Have conflict, but do not make enemies. Have intense dislike, but do not make enemies. Suffer great harm, but do not make enemies - encapsulate the harm, realize it for the small thing that it is and do not let it grow out-of-proportion to all existance. It would be lying to say 'harm is good' but it would also be lying to say 'harm is useless'. Harm is bad, but it is useful. Be cautious in the responsibilities that you take on. Do not overextend or take great risks in that, as you risk not just your own well being, but that of others.

The 'now' is a precious thing, filled with potential for creation, adventure, excitement, wisdom, fear, love, loneliness, wealth, and destruction. It would have been better, perhaps, to have acted differently in the past. But do not get caught saying the same thing about 'now' in the future!

Peace out.